I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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