I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
