I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Are we still banned from the library?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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