Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
