Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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