So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need to align my fucking chakras
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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