I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
