His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
