We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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