I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
