i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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