The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
