a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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