I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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