I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've blown a few things in my day
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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