my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
