I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
