Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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