does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
