Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
