i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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