As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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