i would punch a child for taco bell
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
