A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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