i may or may not be watching the land before time
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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