I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
