My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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