i jhust puked up my retainher.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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