I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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