she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
