My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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