note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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