I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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