I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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