the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
