thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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