Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
