So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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