I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
