i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
