Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
