EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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