Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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