Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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