Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
