you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
