you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
