no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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