Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
