Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I will pee on everything he values.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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